I am a former Christian who decided that I could no longer sacrifice my intellect to believe in God. I didn’t want to break hearts, so my family doesn’t know. This is a place for me to organize my thoughts and perhaps hear yours. Christians and atheists are welcome here, as well as anyone in between. I have a new testimony: Life without God is far from hopeless. If you get nothing else from my words, be sure of this.


21 thoughts on “About

  1. Might sound funny. But I’m jealous. I’m a number of steps behind you. I don’t know how to get off the merry go round. And today I find myself doing something because ‘it’s what God wants’ and because I’m scared. – not of God but of people. Of the cutting off of the only community, culture, surroundings I know. Torn. So torn. How long can one play this part and stay true to who they are? Or do we all get lost at some point so it doesn’t really matter? Please keep writing.


    • I am so, so glad you’re here. If you had been here a few weeks ago, you would understand how torn I really am too–I had several posts that are no longer viewable, and they all had one thing in common: I was grasping at anything to try to hold on to faith. Like you said, so much of it is fear of losing everything I’ve ever known (and it has less to do with God than one might expect, because if he was never really there, it’s not actually him that I’m missing if I walk away). You are so very welcome here—I appreciate your comment and look forward to your input. I think I only have a handful of readers and most are steadfast in faith—so it’s a comfort to me to know that I’m not alone. I hope that same knowledge can be a comfort to you.


      • I was in fact here and have read everything even the deleted ones. I do wish you hadn’t deleted them as I often would go back and re-read them. I have been following you for at least 5 months. Those posts you deleted resonated with me as I totally grasped your position. I felt all that you had typed as if it had come from my own mind.
        If it were just God that you walk away from it would be so much easier. There is so much fear involved… for me anyway. Not sure if it like that for you exactly.
        I’m fairly sure you have more readers then you realise. I’m not sure if you can tell who/how many read with this kinda thing but I came across you from another website so….
        Be assured you are not alone! And it is reassuring for me to know I’m not also. Thank you.


        • The deleted posts are still hiding here in the background—they may come back someday. You’re right—it is so much more than God that I’m walking away from. It’s an entire culture. It’s friends, it’s family, it’s every thought and every memory. And the draw of those things is intense and hard to escape. When I keep slipping back into belief it’s hard to tell if it’s some supernatural force calling me back or if it’s just my longing for everything else I feel like I’m missing. Fear? Yeah, I’ve felt that. I’m afraid of living without all of this. I’m afraid of who I am without all of this. Maybe the resolve of my recent posts hides it well (or maybe it doesn’t at all—I can’t objectively view my own writing)—but the fear is there beneath it. And deep sadness. Grief is supposed to eventually end. This is grief like I’ve never known, and it won’t end—because I relive it every time I change my mind.


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  4. Hey there @CounterfeitChristian. Found you via recommended feed. Love the title of your blog. I’m an agnostic…? I haven’t thought of what to call myself in years. I do zazen and read about religion. Pleased to meet you, and thanks for making me feel welcome.


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